Saturday, April 10, 2010
I say that with a hint of mockery...because natas is me....as I am him. We cannot exist without each other. I find it a sad note, that I write this blog when I am far from myself, and write in notebooks when I am at my most clear.
Natas-Sam....It is apparent. Reach a middleground. I am you as you are me.
Maybe so Natas. Maybe so. When I have slept on cold steps, your voice has been there. When I have seen girls, over dosing, and hating their lives you have been there. But something else has been there too. Natas...you are probably one of my guardian angels. You most likely watch over me as I sleep.....but I just don't trust you. My instincts tell me that you are an evil voice. The voice that tells me to manipulate and take advantage of every situation. The voice that tells me that I am the main event and people are background noise. Fuck you.
You started a post Natas...and you have lost. Let's see why. For starters, you have lost much power. Sure I am still the same S.J.Huffman...but this man has learned. I have been bad...I have been good...I have lived in the in between and I agree, that I can't live without you. Are you surprised? I think more like devastated...or at least disappointed. Your strength lay's in deception...without it you are powerless.
Natas: You cannot have good without evil in this world. I have my place as you have yours. Everyone is meant to do something S.J.Huffman...so are you. There have been times when you have been belligerent to how lucky you are...and there are times when you know...like a cold chill running through your shoulders to your spine...that you are lucky indeed. Am I am god...as I am the devil...as I am the in between. Fate exists whether you like it or not. And fate knocks on your door calling. You choose to answer or dismiss at your own call.
Fuck you Natas. You are my subconcious...you are my distraction. Albeit a source to fight against, even a target...you have your own selfish means. Do not placate me to believe that I am your friend...and you are trying to help me. The forces in place that are helping me are tangible and invisible. They are not you. Begone the voice from the other world, begone the doubting whisper in my ear....begone you bastard of insecurity and anxiety...begone you bastard of hatred.
This is sam. I have won. At the darkest, at the most despondent, you can win. Trust your instincts, trust that fate......is there and you have a choice in it. A paradox? Not at all. Fate exists in many shapes and forms...I believe...and my instincts tell me something is watching, loving, protecting, and guiding us to happiness. To fulfillment. To sanity. To love. Above all things...although I doubt everything else I believe in love. And I always will.