Sunday, December 20, 2009
Hello all. I write this mostly to Sam, and for his friends. Let me tell you, this guy has come a long way. Not that I don't find him lacking at times, but his last post really took the venom out of my desire to torture him. Sometimes people really do learn..and change. Not that I couldn't rip him a new one right now...but you know what...it's Christmas. Not only that, I feel as if we have come to an understanding of each other...and I think Sam is finally starting to understand himself. Why has Natas taken the helm then? Well, Sam is not himself. Funny isn't it. He is in love with probably the only girl in the world he is capable of loving, he isn't homeless this time around, and he has people that love and care about him...and yet he is at a loss of words. I'm just being cynical, were actually as thick as thieves. But sometimes, when life shows it's ugly side, everyone needs a little Natas to scare it back. Sam knows this. He doesn't fear me anymore. Sometimes you have to let your shoulders back and tell the world you will fuck it up if it doesn't leave you alone. The world isn't all bad...in point of fact...I think it has more good then the things that go bump in the night. But sometimes, you have to let me free inside. I let the world know that a kind and good person...doesn't mean that you are a person to be fucked with. I am the yin to the yang, the omega to the alpha(but only because sam's narcissism makes him claim alpha status at all times...even in my hour to shine...awww can't help but love this bastard) I think it goes to show that sam isn't perfectly healed yet. After all, none of us should take turns posting our thoughts...but at least we aren't fighting each other to the death anymore...baby steps you know. So instead of personal problems...let's blame it on the holidays. After all, Christmas was originally a week dedicated to the god of Saturn for lascivious rites of celebration. Although Sam would say, it is a good thing to get together with those you love, and let you know how much they matter to you for whatever the reason...I say look at all the holiday drunks...and the upturn in suicide rates this time of year. You know what though? Maybe I am just scared. Because sam doesn't need me as much as he used to. I am a part of him...just like I share lives with many of you...but it seems like sometimes he has control of me...and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess I got my own problems too...blame my soft side on "A christmas story"...im a sucker for a good christmas movie...and I form bonds with all of you. All I can say is never take me for granted. Sometimes I am needed to protect you, and sometimes I overstep my bounds...but I only do so because you force me into it. Go to the dark places in your soul, and look at yourself realistically, and without bias one way or another. If at the end of that you aren't happy with what you see...then take heart that you are looking at with the want to change. If you are happy with yourself...good, but don't let it go to your head. I bring tidings of good cheer, happiness, and balance. Natas is not your enemy if you are trying to keep balance(and yes, I speak of myself in third person...I blame it on Sam and his hopeless narcissism god love him) Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good fright! Just kidding...enjoy a little harmless fun and lying to your children about a man that makes everything better...haha what a bitch am I!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I usually don't have a screaming match with Natas. Most of the time he is a soft whisper of fear, doubt, and bitterness. Like a predatory wolf, he shows his fangs when he senses a weakness in his prey. I always feel during those times that he is an unstoppable giant...but in reality he's just 6'2'. I can't really bring myself to hate him, or remove him from my life completely. After giving it some thought, I believe he is necessary. There have been times, that his cold detachment and primal ferocity have kept me alive...more so then the trouble it has caused. He doesn't seem so scary now. I don't see fangs, I just see a set of British worthy dentistry. Maybe his eyes are little bit hostile, but I see a longing of acceptance in them...maybe even a little bit of loneliness. I realize that when I am feeling my best, he is there as a balance. Protecting me from harms way, and it is only when I push him away that he rears his head and reeks havoc. I guess that is like all things in life. When you remove the balance, extremism always gets the best of you.
Natas is of course fictional. I haven't lost my mind to the point that I imagine people that don't exist(I think...). I have always had the habit of looking at my life, and personifying it in epic ways to make a great story of it. I have always loved a good story, and it is by far easier to talk about a grandiose battle with a fearful demonic creature, then talk about a guy who is pathetically depressed to the point his friend finds him passed out in a recliner with his hand resting on an empty bottle of cheap brandy lying next to the chair.
It was a rough couple of weeks. I rocked that pity party with determination to the highest levels. This time my depression wasn't for the usual reasons. I missed my family very much...but it wasn't the reason. My money situation was better...so it wasn't that. It was love(something to be discussed in a later post)or more to the point I should say it was a broken heart. I started to pray again, at the end of those dismal weeks(yes, that is how bad it got)and I was starting to crawl out of my hole of misery I was lying down in, and then something extraordinary happened. She came to me. She told me she loved me. She said that she wanted to be with me.
Now, I have had prayers answered before. I have even had dreams come true. But I have never had both happen at the same time. I was stunned, flabbergasted, amazed, astounded, astonished, and blown away. Then a second emotion hit me quickly...I was terrified. I had moved on quite a long time ago from infatuation, so I could look at her imperfections objectively, and her flaws were by far very small compared to things that made her great. So I realized that it wasn't her I was scared of...it was love. I was petrified by being that close to someone that I couldn't even say a word.
It made me look into myself. Why couldn't I rejoice with something this wonderful? Why did I fear it? Why didn't I trust it? I think losing my family hurt me more then I let myself admit. I saw a lot of good things in this world since I started down this path...but I think the horrible things had left their mark on me. It had changed me into someone who kept a certain distance emotionally. Someone who didn't give a lot of trust. Someone who was very lonely, and didn't even know he was the reason for it(aside from being an odd mother-fucker). This time around I handled things a little bit differently. I didn't analyze everything to death. I didn't calculate my situation into an equation. I acted. I threw caution to the wind...and I let myself believe...I let myself feel happy. Maybe things won't work out the way I think and feel they will. Maybe I am setting myself up for another heartbreak. It doesn't matter...life is many things, and sometimes it is taking chances. I still miss my family. But I have found strength in myself that I never knew existed. Taking a chance is how this journey started, and I wasn't looking honestly at myself and taking chances with the things that mattered. I no longer stare at the mirror, wondering who is staring back...or what. When I look in the mirror I see someone softly smiling with eyes that hold a sparkle. I am comfortable that I have a side of me I affectionately call Natas. When I look at my imperfections, I see some of them as character, and others something that I can work on. A good friend of mine once painted a portrait of me with a stern expression, and a thought bubble that said love. He said that I could had an intimidating demeanor, but I was always thinking about love. I feel more comfortable with letting other people know that now, especially the amazing woman I love, and their is no doubt in my mind that Natas will be there if I need him. I feel like a good person again, and I can finally believe it when my loved ones tell me I am. It is a good feeling to look in the mirror these days.