Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Looking in the Mirror

I usually don't have a screaming match with Natas. Most of the time he is a soft whisper of fear, doubt, and bitterness. Like a predatory wolf, he shows his fangs when he senses a weakness in his prey. I always feel during those times that he is an unstoppable giant...but in reality he's just 6'2'. I can't really bring myself to hate him, or remove him from my life completely. After giving it some thought, I believe he is necessary. There have been times, that his cold detachment and primal ferocity have kept me alive...more so then the trouble it has caused. He doesn't seem so scary now. I don't see fangs, I just see a set of British worthy dentistry. Maybe his eyes are little bit hostile, but I see a longing of acceptance in them...maybe even a little bit of loneliness. I realize that when I am feeling my best, he is there as a balance. Protecting me from harms way, and it is only when I push him away that he rears his head and reeks havoc. I guess that is like all things in life. When you remove the balance, extremism always gets the best of you.
Natas is of course fictional. I haven't lost my mind to the point that I imagine people that don't exist(I think...). I have always had the habit of looking at my life, and personifying it in epic ways to make a great story of it. I have always loved a good story, and it is by far easier to talk about a grandiose battle with a fearful demonic creature, then talk about a guy who is pathetically depressed to the point his friend finds him passed out in a recliner with his hand resting on an empty bottle of cheap brandy lying next to the chair.
It was a rough couple of weeks. I rocked that pity party with determination to the highest levels. This time my depression wasn't for the usual reasons. I missed my family very much...but it wasn't the reason. My money situation was it wasn't that. It was love(something to be discussed in a later post)or more to the point I should say it was a broken heart. I started to pray again, at the end of those dismal weeks(yes, that is how bad it got)and I was starting to crawl out of my hole of misery I was lying down in, and then something extraordinary happened. She came to me. She told me she loved me. She said that she wanted to be with me.
Now, I have had prayers answered before. I have even had dreams come true. But I have never had both happen at the same time. I was stunned, flabbergasted, amazed, astounded, astonished, and blown away. Then a second emotion hit me quickly...I was terrified. I had moved on quite a long time ago from infatuation, so I could look at her imperfections objectively, and her flaws were by far very small compared to things that made her great. So I realized that it wasn't her I was scared was love. I was petrified by being that close to someone that I couldn't even say a word.
It made me look into myself. Why couldn't I rejoice with something this wonderful? Why did I fear it? Why didn't I trust it? I think losing my family hurt me more then I let myself admit. I saw a lot of good things in this world since I started down this path...but I think the horrible things had left their mark on me. It had changed me into someone who kept a certain distance emotionally. Someone who didn't give a lot of trust. Someone who was very lonely, and didn't even know he was the reason for it(aside from being an odd mother-fucker). This time around I handled things a little bit differently. I didn't analyze everything to death. I didn't calculate my situation into an equation. I acted. I threw caution to the wind...and I let myself believe...I let myself feel happy. Maybe things won't work out the way I think and feel they will. Maybe I am setting myself up for another heartbreak. It doesn't is many things, and sometimes it is taking chances. I still miss my family. But I have found strength in myself that I never knew existed. Taking a chance is how this journey started, and I wasn't looking honestly at myself and taking chances with the things that mattered. I no longer stare at the mirror, wondering who is staring back...or what. When I look in the mirror I see someone softly smiling with eyes that hold a sparkle. I am comfortable that I have a side of me I affectionately call Natas. When I look at my imperfections, I see some of them as character, and others something that I can work on. A good friend of mine once painted a portrait of me with a stern expression, and a thought bubble that said love. He said that I could had an intimidating demeanor, but I was always thinking about love. I feel more comfortable with letting other people know that now, especially the amazing woman I love, and their is no doubt in my mind that Natas will be there if I need him. I feel like a good person again, and I can finally believe it when my loved ones tell me I am. It is a good feeling to look in the mirror these days.

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