Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Well, here I am. I will not lie...I have been drinking. Some say there is truth in drinking...others say their is nothing but a lie. i think the truth is what it usually is...something in between. I have been a happy drunk orchestrating a party. I have been angry...picking fights and punching holes in walls and peoples faces. So I have to ask myself...why I am I drinking now? Is it absolute boredom and anger at the ridiculous world around me? Or is it an inner struggle with insanity inside myself? Probably like most things a slate of grey...a war I am fighting with myself and the world. I see commercials, I see movies that placate our inner wanted needs and desires, and I tell them to go fuck themselves while I fight the need to secretly want it.

It's probably why I have always felt like marketing is evil. Some people have gifts to see the social threads that tie us together. It is like a loose ball of string that weaves and meanders though crazy paths and trajectories. Some of us see it, and sell our vision for profit and gain. Maybe everyone has a price. I probably do too. I wouldn't even be writing this if my roomie wouldn't have caught me.

I felt bad. I felt weak. I felt lazy. I didn't want to have to rationalize or deal with the reality of my life and situation. I didn't want to have to think...or feel. I was tired of advertisements of therapeutic beds,ab crunchers, and diet pills. I was sick to death of snuggies and taxes. I didn't want to look at my feelings, of what I wanted or had to see. I wanted to escape.

And yet she came..."none the less". A biblical phrase...from a translation I have read. Maybe I am a nameless street preacher footsteps away from being hauled away from the police. Yet, I mock them, and enjoy watching video's on youtube of them being hauled away or ridiculed, or seeing beer bottles hurled in their direction. I wrote once that "artists and philosophers drink...to calm the madness to think. I don't know...I guess so, life is labyrinth with it's high's and it's lows". I feel it is madness right now. A whirlwind of thought and anger and drunken ranting, that no one finds funny. It scares them, or makes them agitated and angry. Sometimes that is what I want. To cause a whirlwind of chaos and destruction wherever I walk. I call this side of me "Natas". As a Gemini I am of dual nature...but as Natas I don't believe in this shit right now.==Natas is in control now== I see the evil of humanity, I see the stupidity. I see the side that you try to hide as you look in the bathroom mirror before embarking into the world. I see what you hate for others to see. The side that you are ashamed of. Because i am ashamed of myself.

Humans...what loathsome creatures. You cry and you whine of your lot in life...as you rape and pillage the world around you. Hypocrites and bastard children you are. Oliver twist, and expect riches from your hardship...fuck you. Fastfood generation junkies...you throw me into a welfare-state of mind. You feed on your modern day gladiatorial games in glee. Indulging your minds in gluttony and feast. Love your celebrities and love your "reality" tv as you flee from real in your own life you foolish weak mortals. I am Natas and I will control this being. You will listen to me. Their is no point to your insignificant lives...their is no point to your existence. Give up on your dreams and wants...fuck you and your pitiful wants.

===This is Sam...I am back. I was weak. I drank...a lot. I wanted to calm the madness...to think. But I think I was secretly fearing the answers. I was scared about where my life was supposed to go. I was hurting from what I wanted, and what I got. Oh god that exists...I was wanting, needing, feeling, fearing, scared...please help me.
I Don't know if god has answered me...maybe I am a misfit a freak and runt. Maybe I am supposed to take medication and fall into the world of numb. I don't think so. I have puked into the toilet of despair, and saw the bile of my creation. Maybe my ideals and hopes cling tenaciously to the sides of an old bucket puked in. At my worst times and at the best life exists.

I saw the stars tonight. This was sober. I saw the stars in most of their glory...it reminded me of colorado...when I saw them clear and bright. It reminded me of young dreams and ideals. It reminded me of purity and how I have become jaded. It reminded me of what I felt inside...what I knew was right.

Shut up you weak fool. Give me control, and give up on what you cannot hope to rule. I am the absolute power...I am the god. You cannnot hope to control, what you cannot understand.

I know what I am Natas. You are a part of me, as you always will be. But the power you have over me to hate what I fear...and feed what I fear will always be under my control. Maybe at times I will become weak. There will be moments where you will gain a sembalnce of control that you will try to blow into large proportions. But the truth is you are a lie, a fear, and a nightmare. You are only what I fear is...not what truly is...you have lost the war...although you have gained roads in a battle...you villionus patient bastard.

Hahahahaha...I am always waiting you fool. Humans are always failing...you will never be rid of me.

Maybe so. But I am not alone. No matter how many times I fail. No mattter how many times I am lost, or feel I am wrong. Their is something more powerful then you that wants me to be ok...that wants me to be happy. You will not win.

Hahahahaha...we will see young samuel. We will see.

We will see. I don't know who is writing this at this moment. Maybe this is the gray. We are all at war with ourselves my friends. It doesn't matter what we believe. We are at war. Fight, fight, fight...and fight. The war will never be over, but that is no cause for despair. We are human beings. That means that we have great strength and beauty...and corruption and despair. But in the end...we are beautiful, we are courageous, don't ever forget it.

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