Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Soul Sickness and Faith

I've been talking to a man that says his soul is sick. He said that himself, and many others suffered from it, making them do massive amounts of drugs, and basically become deplorable pieces of shit. He told me I share the same sickness, and maybe he's right. I know my soul used to be very sick indeed. I like to think that I have been doing a lot of healing, but sometimes I have doubts if I am going anywhere at all.
For the record, I don't think my soul is sick, I feel like I am merely at war. A war to keep from being ill, or at times keeping the illness from spreading. It is a constant battle with demons, inner and external. A negative spirit that exists or I feed during times of weakness. Due to my epic ability to lie to myself, I have to stay on my toes if I want to stay/get better. I don't believe self improvement is masturbation, and I think being optimistic isn't foolish.
I read a book called the secret, and I believe a lot of it. On the quantum level human beings are energy. Our minds are unfathomably powerful and mysterious, who is to say that we cannot alter certain threads of fate or even create them. I think our perceptions make our reality. Our mythos have filtered our conception of the creator into god, allah, buddah, or aliens from space. The power of religion to affect people whether it is benevolent or malignant is undeniable. Our minds dictate our reality. We have the power to be happy, sad, scared, sacred or content with life. Not to say that it doesn't take extreme effort...constant diligence even.
My biggest problem with faith and spirituality is the intangible nature of it. I believe in a creator of some kind, and most of the time I believe he has a plan which involves our well being. I think we have immortal souls created by him that inhabit these corporal forms of ours, that may have lived numerous lives before. But herein lies the problem. It all comes down to feelings. I don't know about you, but often my feelings have lead me astray. I like facts and figures. Abstract concepts about faith and spirituality can never be published in Popular Science. How do I know I am right? Why I have I felt like I am being cared for by a power that is intense and undeniable, and yet other times I feel as if nothing is there? My mind doubts. I wonder if faith is merely a myth and a superstition. That I am a fool for believing that I will end up as anything other then worm food when my life has ended.
No matter how great these doubts become, a kernel of me always believes. I still have some faith. The moments in my life where I have felt a divine influence have been too many to disregard, and their affect on me stays. I cannot believe that human beings are nothing but animals, we are far too special for that. Our ability to create and destroy, to love and to hate, is unmatched on any level. We are wondrous and beautiful beings with a multitude of purposes, creating tendrils in the web of fate, spanning into the infinite.
Maybe I do have a soul sickness. A virus that grows in me at times. It makes me doubt myself, and others around me. It filters my perception so all I can see is the sadness and despair. I keep a critical eye on myself, and all those around me. I see their pettiness and stupidity, and my heart feels like a rotten stone. I don't know what it is that makes me get this way. I don't know how I can go from all zen, to a complete hater. I've been this way most of my life, but I don't think I have to be. How we were raised and our past habits influence us, but they do not define us. We have the power to be whatever we want to be, and that is something I never doubt. We just have to keep fighting our demons whatever they may be. We are far more beautiful then odious, and our souls are a sight more healthy then sick. We just have to keep the faith, no matter what we believe in.


  1. Ur right i totally believe in that our inhabits and our bring up does influence us but it doesnt define us and we can change urselfs if want to. Its pretty funny cuz a couple of weeks ago i was thinking the exact same thing. Im glad u used the pic of u from my album it looks good.

  2. First of all melissa's grammar is atrocious...
    anyway, I believe completely that feelings are poison. anyone that is even a little bit aware of the constant flutter of emotions we all experience can't even feign the slightest amount of sanity. But feelings lie, they tell us that our vanity is our only permanence and that the way one feels right now may very well be eternal or terminal. I know that you know I can relate to a lot of what you are saying we talk about it endlessly and Ill be the first to agree that looking for god isn't easy. It's a mission full of half truths, blind faith, self-deceit... it's no small mountain. But I believe that you will find something within yourself that will give you peace of mind. Actually I think you already have but in the beginning everything is clay and it has no definite shape...The first step is looking inward. love ya sam.